Where are my 20's going?

I was reflecting on the last line of my last entry. "What a way to spend my 20's" All I keep thinking is what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I letting this time in my life slip away without a fight? I sit at home and dream about meeting new people yet hardly ever put myself in a situation to meet new people. Why do I do this? My only answer has been that I'm scared. Well that is kind of broad. Scared of being hurt and not just emotionally, but physically (I place part blame on cop shows where at least one girl seems to die or get raped every week). I realize that my fear may not be completely rational, but who ever said that fears had to be rational. I fear that I'm going to go out and not meet anybody which would be a big let down or end up in a dangerous situation. I don't know what to do to change these behaviors. I could go to the bars by myself or try actively pursuing some postings on Craig's list, but I get so nervous even thinking about it that I have myself psyched out before ever really getting into those situations. I have no real solutions to my current predicament. Frustrated is the best description. I might have more thoughts developed in the morning.

I think I gave up

So single-dom has not been the easiest route for me over the last decade. I think today I hit a new low as far as how desperate I'm beginning to get. I was looking up prices for a male escort. Not that I really think escorts don't have a function in today's society, but I feel as though I have given up on looking for a date or a partner or whatever.

I'm tired of trying to live up my own fantasies. Every time my life takes a new direction I think it will lead to love, but instead I end up closing up. I retreat from participating in my new life because I fear social criticism. How fucked up is that. I always think that these new and exciting times will somehow magically transform me into the person I want to be and I know that's not how it works. I let myself down. I have always thought I am a great catch. Laid back, easy going, non-psycho bitch, but alas no one seems to be interested. I don't think I got the right girl genes. I don't think I'm very seductive or provocative. I don't think I know how to flirt or get guys or girls interested in me. Where was that lesson in school? How to let boys know you like them 101, Flirting for the socially awkward 200, How to lose your virginity before 30 500, those are classes I would love to take. They have a show for socially awkward guys to learn how to pick up women, but what about a show for those women who don't know how to appear available. I would be the first to sign up.

I know in the grand scheme of life not dating or losing my virginity doesn't rank high but dammit I'm tired of feeling rejected.

Everybody says it just takes time it will happen when to time is right, but I'm fucking lonely now. The people who usually say that are the ones already getting laid or have an active social life what do they know about patience and timing.

Grad school has me stressed and feeling isolated, my friends and family are hundreds of miles away. I'm lonely I want to feel special and at the very least have someone recognize my existence. If I weren't broke I would buy a date for this weekend just to know what its like to go on a real date, but alas I'm broke and I have very little hope that my existence will be noticed yet again this week thanks to my professors and their wonderful reading assignments. So I'll spend the weekend cleaning my apartment, browsing the Internet for male escorts, and reading. What a away to spend my 20s.